Congratulations! Your contributions to the company have propelled us to new heights and new frontiers, and if you can pardon the mixed metaphors, we would be delighted if you took to the helm. While we cannot negotiate salary and benefits, we recognize your tireless work ethic and commitment to excellence and have therefore decided to appoint you the director of our new Excellence Task Force, which will oversee the training of all new staffers. The role comes with a new cubicle conveniently located by the Men’s Room, with complimentary chair and outlet. Please accept this succulent as a token of our appreciation. Right this way. No, not that way. Very funny. Where are you going?